


How To Save A LIfe

by CrimsonFirebreeze



Series: Hiddles Diddles [18]
Category: Tom Hiddleston - Fandom
Genre: F/M, Mild Gore, Self-Mutilation, Suicide Attempt, Triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-13
Updated: 2012-09-13
Packaged: 2017-11-22 14:06:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,030
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/610624
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CrimsonFirebreeze/pseuds/CrimsonFirebreeze
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tom gets an emergency phone call from his fiance’s best friend while on the set of Avengers 2. When he finally arrives at her bedside, he’s devastated to learn just how close he came to losing her and that things have not been okay for her while he’s been away.</p>
            </blockquote>





	How To Save A LIfe

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER WARNINGS: Attempted Suicide and Self-Mutilation
> 
> written for the prompt “How to save a life” by The Fray, Perhaps Tom has a long term girlfriend who dies or has had previous suicidal tendencies. On thfrustration
> 
> Suicide Awareness week post, because it;s a matter close to my heart. I've lost family to suicide and have struggled with it myself.
> 
> Also on my Tumblr

Tom stretched as he made his way to a shady area, cringing at how much he was sweating. As much as he loved playing Loki, these costumes were really hot and uncomfortable. Still, he found the silver lining in it and kept up his smile, not one to complain. It was an honor to be called back to do the second installment of  _The Avengers_  and he wasn’t about to let a little bit of sweat get him down. Instead he’d just go find a place to relax and cool off while he had a moment. He smiled when he saw Rex, a friend of his fiancee’s who was apprenticing in the make-up department thanks to him, come bounding out to him. The lad also served as an assistant to him around the set since he promised Sam he’d keep Rex close.

“You got an urgent text, Mr. Hiddleston,” Rex said, handing Tom his iPhone. “And missed several calls.”

“What have I told you about calling me that,” asked Tom.

“To just call you ‘Tom’?”

“Exactly. I’m not going to bite.”

“Yes, sir.” 

Tom couldn’t help but smile. Rex was a bit nervous being here and he found it slightly amusing. He unlocked his phone and saw that the missed calls were from Sam’s other best friend, Alex, as was the text. It was pretty rare for her to call, let alone text, and he had to wonder what had inspired it. He heart jumped into his throat for a moment, hoping something hadn’t happened to his soon-to-be stepdaughter, Kadence.

_Alexiel: It’s Alex. Sorry to bother you on set but I need you to call me immediately._

He shook his head, thinking that he’s just being silly, as he dialed her number. Certainly everything was fine. He tapped his foot slowly while listening to the phone ring and smiled, knowing that Alex’s phone would be jingling out one of his favorite songs.

 _“Hey,”_  came Alex’s voice from the other end. She sounded tired, he noted.

“Hello, darling,” he said cheerfully, smiling as he heard her voice. “I got your text and got a free moment. What do you need?”

“ _Hey, Tom.. listen.. do you have a minute? Something’s happened._ ”

Tom’s heart sank and the smile vanished from his face. He realized that it wasn’t that she sounded tired. She was distressed and his mind immediately began conjuring up all kinds of horrible images. He walks further away from the noise of the set, waving off Scarlett as he passed her, receiving a concerned look.

“Yes of course,” he said slowly. “What is it?”

“ _Tom, Sam is in the hospital_ ,” answered Alex, hesitation in her voice. “ _She’s stable, she’s not gonna die or anything._ _But… she.. had an episode._ ”

An episode? That could only mean one thing and he closed his eyes, frowning. He knew he shouldn’t have left her alone. But she hadn’t given off any indication that she would do something like this. It had been so long since… ”How deep?”

“ _Deep enough_ ,” came her reply. “ _I came over like usual, and just… you know me.. anatomy doesn’t scare me, but this did.. I got pressure on her and drove her to the ER.. they won’t let me in past that, I’m not next of kin and that bullshit._ ”

Tom’s mind was racing and he realized he was shaking. He sighed, trying to steady himself. Alex was the one person he knew to be fascinated by the human body and for her to be scared told him a lot. He needed to be scared, and he most certainly was.

“Do you know what happened,” he asked. “Or how long they plan to keep her?”

“ _I don’t.. I didn’t think to ask, not when she was bleeding like that… I’m so sorry, Tom, I did everything I could think of.._ ”

He ran his hand through his hair. He can tell she’s frazzled and can only imagine what she saw. He sighed again. She shouldn’t be apologizing. She’s already done more than enough.

“Where was she? My place or hers?”

“ _Hers._ ”

“God,” he breathed. “Please tell me she didn’t have Kadence with her.”

“ _No, no, Kay’s with Sam’s parents._ ”

“Oh, thank God,” he said, relieved. 

Chris Hemsworth touched his shoulder and he jumped slightly. The aussie was giving him a concerned look, asking him if he was okay and the obvious answer was no, he wasn’t okay and he wouldn’t be okay until he could get to his fiancee. He simply shook his head, promising to explain later as he turned his attention back to the phone.

“Um… I can be there in a few hours if I leave now,” he said, making a hasty decision and getting another look from Chris. “I just need to get out of this costume, pack a few things and I’ll be on the next flight out.”

“ _Do whatever you need to, Tom.. I’ll.. text you the hospital address_ ,” she replied. “ _Guess it’s no time to say hi to everyone”_

“I’ll be there as soon as I can. And yes, I will tell them hi for you. It’s the least I can do to thank you.”

“ _I’ll be here._ ”

“See you soon then. And Alex, thank you so much.”

He doesn’t give her a chance to reply before he hangs up, waving Rex back over. He gives both Chris and Rex a quick and discreet explanation before he dashes off to his trailer, apologizing to everyone along the way.

~~~~~

Hours later, he was pulling into the hospital parking lot. He took a moment to breathe deeply and try to relax a little bit. He wasn’t doing anyone any favors by being worked up. He slid out of the car and made his way to the waiting room, spotting Alex immediately. She looked beyond exhausted, similar to how he felt. He called her name and pulled her into his arms when she stood, giving her the tight squeeze he knew she needed. She was trembling when she stepped back from him. 

“Go,” she said softly. “Go, room 214.”

“Have they let you see her,” he asked, hesitating to leave her alone out here. “Have they said anything?”

“They said she was stable, that’s it,” she replied, wiping her eyes.

“Oh darling,” he sighed, pulling her back into his embrace. He hated seeing women cry as it was but she was a dear friend. And moreover, her tears were making this nightmare more and more real for him. And if it was real, he wasn’t sure he could face it alone. “Come with me?”

“Yeah,” she breathed. “Yeah, wherever you need me.”

He nodded and they made their way to Sam. He kept his arm around Alex’s shoulders and he wasn’t sure who was benefiting from it more. At the room, he has to explain his relationship to Sam to be allowed to see her. He insisted on Alex’s presence, and the nurse didn’t really argue with him. He is, after all, Tom Hiddleston and he’s still looking the part of Loki right now.

He wasted no time going to Sam and nothing could prepare him for seeing her like this. She wass pale, more so than her normal look, gentle pink gone from her cheeks. Her lips were almost without color as well, making the blue tint she always had in her lips stand out. She looked dead and it terrified him. He got a little lightheaded and sank into the chair beside the bed. He knew he couldn’t hide his emotions right then, no matter how talented of an actor he as and he wass thankful that it was only Alex in the room as tears began blurring his vision. When he looked at her, he saw she had wrapped her arms around herself.

“Had she been talking to  _him,_ ” he asked, referring to Sam’s abusive ex. “Her mother? Do you know?”

He knew his questioning was completely unfair and he couldn’t help but feel he was pushing her too hard as her eyes settled on him and he realized how guilt-ridden she felt. She was, after all, one of Sam’s closest friends and when he was gone, they were always together. He had no doubt that Alex was feeling responsible for this mess in some way.

“Tom,” she sighed. “I don’t Know..”

“How could you not? She tells you everything,” he snapped, regretting it instantly. He pinched the bridge of his nose, and squeezed his eyes shut. “I’m sorry. That’s not fair. I’m her fiancee. I shouldn’t have left her alone. I should have been paying attention. You’re her friend, not her babysitter.”

“Look,” said Alex. “What’s important is that she’s here. She’s not going to slip away and we’ll figure out what triggered it so it doesn’t happen again.”

“Alex, I really am sorry. I shouldn’t have said that to you.”

“Don’t. Tom, it’s fine. I’m scared, too.”

Tom leaned his elbows on the bed, his hands massaging his temples. He was exhausted, having been out of bed to go running at 3am, eastern time before having to be on set by 5am. He’d failed to sleep on the six hour flight from Boston on top of all that and he imagined he looked a wreck. His eyes slid back to Sam’s still form, though he continued to speak to Alex.

“Tell me what happened,” he pleaded. “Please. I need to know.”

“Like I said,” she replied. “I just found her like that. She was still sort of conscious. I had to smack her a couple times to keep her up.”

“Did you see what she did it with,” he asked, taking Sam’s hand carefully in his. He noticed the blood under her nails and dried on the claddagh engagement ring he’d given her. He closed his eyes as he kissed her hand repeatedly as the tears finally freed themselves to roll down his cheeks. He hardly noticed Alex’s hand on his back, as the reality of how close he came to losing Sam completely hit him and he couldn’t stop the sob that tore through him. He buried his face in the bed, nuzzling  her too cold hand as he gave in, crying harder than he had in many years all while Alex’s hand rubbed small circles on his back. He didn’t care that she was seeing him like this. He didn’t care if anyone saw him like this. He was scared and relieved at the same time and struggling to understand why this had happened. His mind was trying to grasp all this when the cool hand disappeared from his and was in his hair. Her eyebrows were knitted together as a groan escaped her lips when he looked at Sam and seeing her moving was enough to stop his tears.

“How did I get here,” Sam asked, pain coloring her voice.

“I drove you,” Alex replied and he does not miss the edge in her voice.

“Alex,” she asked, smiling as she peeked through her eyelashes. “You drove?”

“It wasn’t really a question this time. Not how I found you,” said the older girl and Tom remembered just how much she hated driving. “You wanna tell me why I found you like that?”

Sam was quiet for a long moment before she turned her face away, her blue eyes opening to stare out the window and answered, “Because…”

He sighed, sitting back in the chair and removing himself from her touch. He was annoyed. Relieved she’s coherent, but annoyed and he allowed the emotion to color his tone.

“That’s not good enough.”

“What triggered it,” asked Alex. “Come on. Please.”

Sam was quiet again for a long while. He watched her eyes move, as if she was following the movements of something. He realized then that she was being given morphine for her pain and remembered her telling him that it makes her hallucinate. He shifted uneasily, not liking that she actually was seeing things crawling over the walls on top of what she’s already been through, self inflicted or not.

“Nightmares,” she finally said and he tensed. He knew what her nightmares entailed and had been woken up on many nights to her whimpering in her sleep. The worst ones, though, he’d find her gone, huddled in a fetal position on the sofa, staring blankly at a movie she’d turned on. They were always the same, recurring flashbacks of the sexual abuse she’d endured as a child, except in the present. She would be jumpy and on edge for days after, and anything sexual was completely out of the question. He’d learned to deal with it though, to comfort her and slowly work her out of the depression she’d fall into. But he’d been gone for some time, working, and she never said a word to him when he called her.

“You’re a bit high right now, huh,” Alex asked her and he wondered if Sam had ever told her of the nightmares. He knew that she was aware of Sam’s past at least but he was never quite sure how much she knew of Sam’s day to day struggles because she was never sure how much she told Alex.

“I wish,” Sam snapped.

“How often,” he asked her, as gently as he could. Why didn’t she say anything?

“Every night,” she replied, her eyes still fixed out the window. “I tried not sleeping. Can’t with Kay. Sent her to my parents. Was going to Venice Beach, to our place. Fell asleep instead. Forgot Alex was coming over… I dont know what today is.”

“As soon as you’re better, I might kill you myself,” came Alex’s attempt at a joke.

“We may have to fight over who gets to do it,” he said, looking at her, though his attempt was also failing. Sam’s eyes settled on him and she was clearly not amused by it. He was shocked to see her eyes so emotionless and dead. He’d only seen her like that once and he shuddered at the thought that things were this bad for her again.

“Sam, just get some rest,” Alex urged gently.

“They’re going to institutionalize me… aren’t they…”

“Not if I can help it,” Tom said firmly.

“You’re supposed to be filming,” Sam said, giving him a look.

“And you’ll come with me if it means you are safe.”

“Alex,” she whined. “He’s crazy talking!”

“If you can’t be left alone, you don’t have much choice,” Alex replied seriously. “For now, let’s just… try to cool down and relax.. let you recover, and then this can be dealt with rationally. This can’t happen again. Ever.”

“I’m not letting this happen again,” he said firmly as he touched Sam’s forehead. Her empty stares were starting to get to him. Normally, she was so full of life, so happy and laughing. Even when she was depressed, she would still find a way to put a smile on.

“Did you even think about Kay,” came Alex’s quiet inquiry. Tom could hear the silent anger in her voice.

“That would require me to even remember doing this in the first place,” Sam replied, a little too coolly for his taste. He looked at her, withdrawing his hand as he realized what had happened. The pieces came together in his head with shocking clarity.

“You blacked out,” he asked.

“I said I fell asleep didn’t I?”

“And I assumed you meant that you were asleep.”

“I was,” she snapped, the first bit of emotion she’s shown them. “I fell asleep. I had one of those nightmares of him and I don’t remember waking up. I vaguely remember being slapped and that’s it. I don’t know what I even did to myself!”

“I think it’s clear what you’ve done,” he sighed.

“I can’t remember anything,” she continued. “Just the dream. The fear, the need to escape in any way I could and having no way out. I was 11 again…”

Tom watched as she squeezed her eyes shut. She was coming undone in front of him and though he was relieved to see the emotion come back into her eyes, it was hard to watch. He never liked seeing her break down, no matter how much she needed the purge.

“Sam, look at me,” said Alex, softly. After a moment, Sam looked at her and the pain was there. All the pain she’d kept hidden away from the world was in her eyes and he had to look away. “We’re going to do what needs to be done to get you help. Alright? Don’t worry for now.. we’re going to work through this.  And You… are going to make every effort to be healthy for your daughter… you got that?”

“That’s what I was trying to do when I took her to my parents,” Sam said, even more emotion entering her voice and he could see how disturbed she was by this. Good, it meant she wasn’t being defeated by it.

“You shouldn’t have gone off to be alone, Sam,” Alex countered. “Not after a nightmare or any kind of trigger.”

“You should have called me,” he said quietly.

“You were working.”

“I don’t give a fuck,” he snapped harshly. He could not believe she would use his job as an excuse not to talk to him about this and it made him angry. There was no reason in the world, no matter how busy he was, that she shouldn’t come to him. He would make time for her, as he always has. “You know how to get a hold of me on set. If it was this bad, you should have called and I would have gotten you to me.”

“And Kay?”

“I would have made arrangements for her too. You know that.”

“You don’t need to suffer this by yourself, don’t you get that,” said Alex, her frustration clearly rising as rapidly as his.

“But I have always done this alone,” replied Sam, looking away from them as she bit her lip. He gave an irritated sigh, knowing full well that losing his temper was the last thing he should be doing right now. But he was hurt and he was angry and scared and there was no denying that. She had promised him she could do this, be in this relationship with him and she was breaking that promise by simply refusing to demand his attention as she had every right to do, whether he was on a film set or not.

“And look how that’s worked out for you,” Alex said forcefully. “No more excuses.  You don’t do this alone.  You have a daughter that needs her Mommy.  Don’t Do this anymore and deprive Kay. Don’t deprive yourself by cutting yourself off from the help you Know everyone wants to give you.”

“Do you want your ex to end up with her,” he said quietly, gaining a glare from Sam, which he met unflinchingly. If she had died, there would have been nothing he could have done for that little girl to protect her and that alone had been enough to scare him.

“No,” she muttered.

“Then this ends. Today.”

He watched as the tears started to gather in her eyes and he knew that had struck the right chord. She began sobbing, covering her face with her right hand, despite the IV stuck into her elbow. Alex is quick to go to her and he could do nothing but watch her come undone so completely.

“I’m sorry,” Sam choked out through her sobs.

“It’s okay,” Alex said gently, hugging her. “Just promise you won’t let this happen.. you’ll fight for yourself next time.”

He remembered back to their first date. He’d made a hasty decision to ask her to dinner, and he’d never once regretted it. The way she spoke so openly about her past and the abuse she’d endured had intrigued him. She was so confident, so determined to move on with her life and not dwell on it. The way she’d spoken about it, so calm and collected with only the barest hint of the fear and pain that lingered in her had startled him until he realized she was trying to be strong. And he admired her for it, adored her even for the honesty and trust she’d given him. He knew back then that he was in danger of falling in love, something he had no time for. Looking at her now, she was the opposite of that day, and he still loved her intensely for all her weakness and vulnerability, despite how angry he was that this happened.

“Tom,” said Alex, cutting into his thoughts. His eyes shifted to her as she nodded towards his fiancee. He sighed softly, knowing what he needed to do and moved to sit on the bed, pulling Sam against him. He could not help but smile as she took refuge in his arms, clinging to him. He kissed her forehead as she continued to cry, apologizing over and over again.

“It’s going to be fine, Kitten,” he said softly, squeezing her gently. And it was. He would make it so.

~~~~~~~~~

After Robert came to the hospital to retrieve an exhausted Alex, Tom tucked Sam in. He had the unfortunate job of calling her parents, who knew nothing about what had happened. Once she was asleep, the morphine doing its work, he sneaked out of the room and went to his car. He hated leaving her alone, but he needed to go by her apartment for her medical insurance information. The nurses had looked at him sympathetically and said he could go right back in with her, even though it was the middle of the night.

At her apartment, he went on the search for her wallet, which was a bit of a task since she never left it in the same place. Luckily, he found it in her army satchel in her bedroom, which was where it usually ended up anyways. He decided to take the whole bag, seeing that it had her writing notebook in it and as he turned to leave, he saw the bathroom light on, neglected in Alex’s rush. He bit his lip, clutching the strap to of the satchel tightly and walked over, his curiosity getting the best of him.

The floor only had a few drops of blood here and there, probably from when Alex carried her out. The real mess was in the tub. He saw the razor covered in blood and knew that this had started as it always had and that on top of an opened vein, her arm would be a network of fine and deep cuts. In the pool of now coagulated and dried blood in the tub was a knife, glinting menacingly. His stomach lurched and he felt very sick suddenly. He leaned against the wall, squeezing his eyes shut, swallowing hard. He set the bag down and turned back to the tub, turning on the faucet. He threw away the knife and the razor blade, not sparing them another thought and washed the blood out of the tub, pausing to clean the droplets off the floor. He watched it go down the drain as he sat on his knees and shook his head, overcome with a deep sadness. He had to fix this. He had to make sure she never got to this point again. He could not lose her to this.

As the red disappeared, leaving behind nothing but the white from before, he hoped this would be a metaphor of a new beginning for them both. He rinsed her blood off his hands and turned off the water, realizing, he probably should have made her clean up her own mess. But for some reason, he wanted to do it; felt he needed to do it even. He sighed heavily as he got to his feet, grabbing her bag. Yes, they would get through this and he’d get her whatever help she needed to combat the nightmares that brought her to this point. But first, he needed to get her home from the hospital. He’d work it all out from there.


End file.
